Hello once more.
I got back around half an hour ago from seeing the movie "Minions" with a friend from college (we were supposed to be roommates junior year, but then STUFF so she graduated last year, while I am a senior this year :x).
This was the third time we tried to see it, and, hey, look at that! We succeeded!
Honestly, I was not impressed.
("Son, I am disappoint" /outdated/outmoded meme o3o)
It was really silly. Like... we ended up watching it at the dollar theatre, and I am SO happy we didn't pay full price for it. :/
(I think) G thought it was great. I don't want to think less of her for her entertainment choices. :/(x2)
The main villain character was good, I guess. But still, blech overall.
...
o3o
Saturday, November 28, 2015
Thursday, November 26, 2015
November 26 - Thanksgiving
Happy Thanksgiving, invisible readers.
So, yeah. So yeah.
It is Thanksgiving today in the US. I need to focus on that. :c
I just got an email about my Pecha Kucha presentation I did for German lit the other day. I made an 86. I got full marks on information, but got points taken off for oral presentation and visuals. (M wrote something about wanting to see more German specific images.)
At first, I was rather miffed, because (I think) I have always received A's in Deutsch.
Then again, then again, then again, I was telling my mom the other day that I felt like M was too easy. :/
Mah.
Honestly, though, I didn't start working on it until the night before. I kind of, sort of, really took advantage of M's inclinations, thinking to myself that if I should do a terrible job, it wouldn't kill my grade (which it WON'T; the presentation was only worth 10% of the final grade, I believe.)
EVEN SO, I kind of, sort of, REALLY freaked out while I was working on it in the library. I was sitting in my normal spot, and I had to go to the bathroom at least 2 or 3 times because I was crying to myself.
I did not take an anti-anxiety med (though I do have them just in case).
It crossed my mind, crossed my mind, that it would be easier to overdose on the anti-anxiety meds take my life.
But then I was like, NO STOP THAT SELF. GOD WOULD NOT WANT YOU TO DO THAT.
(No huzzahs.)
((Also, if I HAD done that, what probably would have happened would have been this - the anti-anxiety whatnots would have kicked in; I would have been like, OH SH*T, WHAT HAVE I DONE?; I would have had to be rushed to the hospital, had my stomach pumped, been taken out of school. not finished this semester, und umsoweiter (Deutsch for 'and so on'.))) :/
(((BUT I DIDN'T -PTL- FOR THAT.)))
Dear Lord,
Thank you for this day. Thank you for Thanksgiving. Thank you for all of the blessings You have given me that I DO NOT deserve, and You gave me anyway. Please give me guidance about how to use them for Your glory, for Your fame, not mine.
Thank you for the existence of Lorazepam. Thank you that I did not need it the other day, but thank you for its existence.
Please keep me mentally strong. Please give me guidance about my future. Please help me keep my eyes fixed on You.
Please help me finish this semester strong. Please let me find my strength in You.
Please help me finish this race of my life on Your time, following Your will, Your GOOD, PERFECT will.
Please use me to be a light on C's ever darkening campus.
Please be with A. Please.
Please be with M. Please.
Please give me the words to represent You well. Please give me humility to face up and admit when I make mistakes, errors, usw.
Please give me sweet dreams tonight. Thank You once more for everything You have given me. Thank You SOSOSOSOSOSO much.
P to the T to the L.
<3 p="">Amen.
So, yeah. So yeah.
It is Thanksgiving today in the US. I need to focus on that. :c
I just got an email about my Pecha Kucha presentation I did for German lit the other day. I made an 86. I got full marks on information, but got points taken off for oral presentation and visuals. (M wrote something about wanting to see more German specific images.)
At first, I was rather miffed, because (I think) I have always received A's in Deutsch.
Then again, then again, then again, I was telling my mom the other day that I felt like M was too easy. :/
Mah.
Honestly, though, I didn't start working on it until the night before. I kind of, sort of, really took advantage of M's inclinations, thinking to myself that if I should do a terrible job, it wouldn't kill my grade (which it WON'T; the presentation was only worth 10% of the final grade, I believe.)
EVEN SO, I kind of, sort of, REALLY freaked out while I was working on it in the library. I was sitting in my normal spot, and I had to go to the bathroom at least 2 or 3 times because I was crying to myself.
I did not take an anti-anxiety med (though I do have them just in case).
But then I was like, NO STOP THAT SELF. GOD WOULD NOT WANT YOU TO DO THAT.
(No huzzahs.)
((Also, if I HAD done that, what probably would have happened would have been this - the anti-anxiety whatnots would have kicked in; I would have been like, OH SH*T, WHAT HAVE I DONE?; I would have had to be rushed to the hospital, had my stomach pumped, been taken out of school. not finished this semester, und umsoweiter (Deutsch for 'and so on'.))) :/
(((BUT I DIDN'T -PTL- FOR THAT.)))
Dear Lord,
Thank you for this day. Thank you for Thanksgiving. Thank you for all of the blessings You have given me that I DO NOT deserve, and You gave me anyway. Please give me guidance about how to use them for Your glory, for Your fame, not mine.
Thank you for the existence of Lorazepam. Thank you that I did not need it the other day, but thank you for its existence.
Please keep me mentally strong. Please give me guidance about my future. Please help me keep my eyes fixed on You.
Please help me finish this semester strong. Please let me find my strength in You.
Please help me finish this race of my life on Your time, following Your will, Your GOOD, PERFECT will.
Please use me to be a light on C's ever darkening campus.
Please be with A. Please.
Please be with M. Please.
Please give me the words to represent You well. Please give me humility to face up and admit when I make mistakes, errors, usw.
Please give me sweet dreams tonight. Thank You once more for everything You have given me. Thank You SOSOSOSOSOSO much.
P to the T to the L.
<3 p="">Amen.
Monday, November 23, 2015
November 23 - Adulting with TBI
So, I am a TBI survivor (I used to say "TBI victim," but my psychologist emphasized the importance of diction [word choice for non-English majors o3o]).
Yes, I went through a Traumatic Brain Injury. And yes, I am doing SO MUCH BETTER than I was.
However, however, however, I still have STUFF going on related to it. (Like the ETERNAL FEAR of incontinence [both of urine and bowels Dx].)
Also, I am INCREDIBLY emotionally fragile. Like, I keep second-guessing myself (constantly).
I am going to graduate in less than a year (EEK). I am going to have to FREAKING ADULT (which is a TERRIFYING prospect). Yes, I know adulting would be terrifying even without the TBI, but with it... eek.
Alas/egads/no huzzahs/gift horse/etc.
So, for example, my diction ranges from very educated (ie - diction, syntax, etc) to so... not (adulting, emoticons [Dx/xD], etc).
I know that forgetfulness is not just a TBI thing. Like, I KNOW that. Butbutbut, because of all the CRAP that happened, I am SO much more sensitive to it. :/
(And, in other news, an article I read today -
https://www.linkedin.com/pulse/why-smart-people-act-so-stupid-dr-travis-bradberry?trk=eml-b2_content_ecosystem_digest-recommended_articles-55-null&midToken=AQH8z6gIjVvVTA&fromEmail=fromEmail&ut=08jMRF_7L9kn01)Dear God,
Please be with me. Please heal me, emotionally and physically. Please let my eye heal back to its previous normal. (:c)
Please mend any relationship whatnots with Z. I know I don't want (nor do I think she wants) there to be this friction between us. Please give me the right words to say at the right time. Please help Z choose her own words more carefully so as to be more sensitive. :/
Please be with M, her unborn child, and C with his N and O. Please Lord. Please be with Dr. G and her friend in hospice and her friend's child. Please, oh please.
Please enable me to be a light in this dark world, pointing people to You, NOT away.
Please help me get through the rest of this semester well.
Please give me Your peace about the future. Please help me keep my eyes fixed on You, not the whatnots of this world.
In Your Name,
Amen.
/finfornow
Saturday, November 21, 2015
November 21 - Basic
So, I was out for a long time and got behind on stuff that I used to keep up with. TV shows for example (Legend of Korra, Castle, etc). Also, MEMES.
Like, when I came back to my school, I felt SO behind with this sort of thing.
Take the word "basic" for example. I finally got a definition, and I think (KNOW) that one of my apartment mates fits the stereotype.
L wears leggings as pants. She speaks in a "basic" way.
I really don't want to think less of her for it. Like, she was on my list of potential littles last year. (I'm really happy I didn't get her as one of my littles, though, because I don't know how I would have reacted to taking classes with her and her getting married before me. :/)
But yeah, I can feel myself slipping into being "basic" as well. For example, right now I am sitting in the campus... food store, of sorts, in which there is a Starbucks.
I NEVER used to drink Starbucks before, but now that my college changed their policy concerning Flexdollars (so now we can only use it on food items), I have been indulging in (decaf) Starbucks WAY too frequently. :/ No huzzahs. (I DO NOT WANT TO GAIN ALL THAT WEIGHT BACK. Dx)
((Also also also, "basic" is another [negative imo] word that begins [!] with B o3o.))
Blah. (!)
Like, when I came back to my school, I felt SO behind with this sort of thing.
Take the word "basic" for example. I finally got a definition, and I think (KNOW) that one of my apartment mates fits the stereotype.
L wears leggings as pants. She speaks in a "basic" way.
I really don't want to think less of her for it. Like, she was on my list of potential littles last year. (I'm really happy I didn't get her as one of my littles, though, because I don't know how I would have reacted to taking classes with her and her getting married before me. :/)
But yeah, I can feel myself slipping into being "basic" as well. For example, right now I am sitting in the campus... food store, of sorts, in which there is a Starbucks.
I NEVER used to drink Starbucks before, but now that my college changed their policy concerning Flexdollars (so now we can only use it on food items), I have been indulging in (decaf) Starbucks WAY too frequently. :/ No huzzahs. (I DO NOT WANT TO GAIN ALL THAT WEIGHT BACK. Dx)
((Also also also, "basic" is another [negative imo] word that begins [!] with B o3o.))
Blah. (!)
Friday, November 20, 2015
November 20 - B's
Hello once more.
I am officially taking a break from homework (EGADS BRIT LIT) to write this blog. Huzzahs to that.
I have a running list of possible blog topics. (So I don't forget them, you see.)
The letter "B" has attained much more meaning to me recently than I realized, upon which I want to use this blog post to reflect.
1 - "Brain biopsy" is a phrase that has two words, both starting with Bs.
2 - Before said procedure, I was (as aforementioned) incredibly angry/distraught/whatnot about the B I received in Fiction Workshop. A little more than a year later (as also aforementioned), I was jubilant over receiving the B in General Psych.
3 - Back to the letter itself - also, BI and BM are two phrases that come up far too often. They just might be motifs in my life, currently. (Though they are different in that the "B"s each stand for a different word, "brain" and "bowel." [OMG TMI.])
Okay, now on to some good "B" whatnots.
B - Buoyancy (I did a "Happify" activity today, and in the activity you had to select the positive words. Buoyancy came up a number of times, so huzzahs to that.)
B - Blink - huzzahs for this reflex. It's automatic (so we don't think about it), it has an incredibly important function (keeping one's eyes from drying out), and, best of all, it's free! /salesperson
B - Bug. (From Starkid's play, Starship.) Bug is the main character who just wants to be a Starship ranger... but that's a different story. Anyway, huzzahs to Bug.
B - bugs. (As in insects.) Bees (hey look, another B word!) pollinate flowers; ants are used in Proverbs to show the benefits of hard work; etc.
B - Birds. Huzzahs for birds! There are some tweeting outside right now.
B - Boots. I love my pair of booties. (They need to be replaced kind of, sort of soon, but I love them.)
B - Bop. The noise Erin, Gina's little, makes when she pats her on the head.
B - Brunch. That wonderful meal on Saturday mornings. (Not the cafeteria's brunch; just brunch in general.)
(Let's see - that's a bunch [LOOK AT THAT] of "bu" words. Let's amend that.)
B - Ballet. While not MY thing, some people enjoy it, either doing it or watching it.
B - Beds. (DEFINITELY my thing. All the huzzahs for beds.) Even my college provided bed is nice. :)
B - Binders. They hold stuff. o3o
B - Bong. The noise a bell (LOOK AT THAT 2.0!) a makes when it's rung with something not quite metal.
(And on that note -)
B - Bells. Especially church bells.
Dear God,
Thank you for this day. Thank you for everything you have blessed (!) me with. I am sorry I don't recognize Your blessings clearly/often enough. Please open my eyes to see all the ways you have so graciously provided for me.
Please, dear Lord, be with the refugees fleeing from Syria. Please be with all the expectant mothers out there who are considering abortion for whatever reason. Please be with M as she expects her own child. (And please help me/empower me/etc me/whatnot to support her and C through this time despite all the other whatnots.)
In Your Name, Lord,
Amen
I am officially taking a break from homework (EGADS BRIT LIT) to write this blog. Huzzahs to that.
I have a running list of possible blog topics. (So I don't forget them, you see.)
The letter "B" has attained much more meaning to me recently than I realized, upon which I want to use this blog post to reflect.
1 - "Brain biopsy" is a phrase that has two words, both starting with Bs.
2 - Before said procedure, I was (as aforementioned) incredibly angry/distraught/whatnot about the B I received in Fiction Workshop. A little more than a year later (as also aforementioned), I was jubilant over receiving the B in General Psych.
3 - Back to the letter itself - also, BI and BM are two phrases that come up far too often. They just might be motifs in my life, currently. (Though they are different in that the "B"s each stand for a different word, "brain" and "bowel." [OMG TMI.])
Okay, now on to some good "B" whatnots.
B - Buoyancy (I did a "Happify" activity today, and in the activity you had to select the positive words. Buoyancy came up a number of times, so huzzahs to that.)
B - Blink - huzzahs for this reflex. It's automatic (so we don't think about it), it has an incredibly important function (keeping one's eyes from drying out), and, best of all, it's free! /salesperson
B - Bug. (From Starkid's play, Starship.) Bug is the main character who just wants to be a Starship ranger... but that's a different story. Anyway, huzzahs to Bug.
B - bugs. (As in insects.) Bees (hey look, another B word!) pollinate flowers; ants are used in Proverbs to show the benefits of hard work; etc.
B - Birds. Huzzahs for birds! There are some tweeting outside right now.
B - Boots. I love my pair of booties. (They need to be replaced kind of, sort of soon, but I love them.)
B - Bop. The noise Erin, Gina's little, makes when she pats her on the head.
B - Brunch. That wonderful meal on Saturday mornings. (Not the cafeteria's brunch; just brunch in general.)
(Let's see - that's a bunch [LOOK AT THAT] of "bu" words. Let's amend that.)
B - Ballet. While not MY thing, some people enjoy it, either doing it or watching it.
B - Beds. (DEFINITELY my thing. All the huzzahs for beds.) Even my college provided bed is nice. :)
B - Binders. They hold stuff. o3o
B - Bong. The noise a bell (LOOK AT THAT 2.0!) a makes when it's rung with something not quite metal.
(And on that note -)
B - Bells. Especially church bells.
Dear God,
Thank you for this day. Thank you for everything you have blessed (!) me with. I am sorry I don't recognize Your blessings clearly/often enough. Please open my eyes to see all the ways you have so graciously provided for me.
Please, dear Lord, be with the refugees fleeing from Syria. Please be with all the expectant mothers out there who are considering abortion for whatever reason. Please be with M as she expects her own child. (And please help me/empower me/etc me/whatnot to support her and C through this time despite all the other whatnots.)
In Your Name, Lord,
Amen
Thursday, November 12, 2015
November 12
Hello again.
So, medical whatnots, right? I had a brain bleed during summer 2013 (June 24th, in fact - I have it on my calendar). Because of the brain bleed, I've been recovering from short-term memory loss.
It hit me over the head (again) today the enormity of what that entailed, I guess.
I started at my current college during Jan term of my freshman year. I started my college career in a level 300 course (Fitzgerald and the Jazz Age - ENG 380), which I did well in - I made an A. At the time, however, I had ALWAYS gotten A's, so nbd, right?
Let's see... a year and a half later, I received my first B since middle school, I believe. It was in ENG 393 - Creative Writing Fiction, which I had always considered my personal forte, writing (especially fiction).
I know that I was SO MAD at the professor, the situation, all of that... jazz (xD) when I received that grade.
Who knew that a little bit over a year later, I would be REJOICING (hallezuiah-ing o3o) over a B in General Psychology (PSY 100)?
You see (err - read o3o) in the time between those two summers, I had to relearn how to walk, talk, write (my gosh, my handwriting was bad initially xD/Dx [though my mother would say it is still bad/has always been bad o3o]), feed myself, etc. (Sorry for the extended tangent there...)
ANYWAY.
I have come so. freaking. far. Hu-freaking-zah. P to the T to the L.
Yes, I still make errors. For example, when I got ready for bed, I had forgotten that I still had my nightclothes from last night in my closet for me to wear again. However, I am happy to report that I did not beat myself up over it - I simply switched my clothing around. My previous psychologist (Dr. G) said that I am much more sensitive to anything related to memory now.
Yes, I still have mobility issues. (According to my dad, I still walk like a stroke victim when I'm tired. :/) But hey, but hey, I was in the STROKE WARD for a while, wasn't I? (I have NO RECOLLECTION, but that's what my parents have said.)
Even in the span of a year - this time last year, I had a checklist next to my pill organizer so that I could see if I had taken my AM and PM meds. (Yes, that's the point of the organizer itself [THANK YOU CVS], but it was an extra checkpoint, I guess.) A year and a half ago, when I refilled my pill organizer, my mom had to check after me to make sure that I had not forgotten any.
(I know I had talked to Dr. G about the B in Fiction, and she said it was probably a good thing, because it happened BEFORE all the medical whatnots. At first, I was like "mk, maybe, yeah" but now, I'm like "OMG YES."
(Psst - spoiler alert - B's will not kill you [though they do begin both words in the phrase "brain bleed" xD.)
Dear God,
I am so sorry for not being willing to see how much you have blessed me. Please forgive me. Please empower/enable me to use this experience to help and/or inspire others.
Please give me peace and direction about the future. I know I read it somewhere, so I'm not taking credit for it, but still - I may not know what the future holds, but I do know Who holds the future.
(All the huzzahs to that. <3 p="">
In Your Name, Lord,
Amen
So, medical whatnots, right? I had a brain bleed during summer 2013 (June 24th, in fact - I have it on my calendar). Because of the brain bleed, I've been recovering from short-term memory loss.
It hit me over the head (again) today the enormity of what that entailed, I guess.
I started at my current college during Jan term of my freshman year. I started my college career in a level 300 course (Fitzgerald and the Jazz Age - ENG 380), which I did well in - I made an A. At the time, however, I had ALWAYS gotten A's, so nbd, right?
Let's see... a year and a half later, I received my first B since middle school, I believe. It was in ENG 393 - Creative Writing Fiction, which I had always considered my personal forte, writing (especially fiction).
I know that I was SO MAD at the professor, the situation, all of that... jazz (xD) when I received that grade.
Who knew that a little bit over a year later, I would be REJOICING (hallezuiah-ing o3o) over a B in General Psychology (PSY 100)?
You see (err - read o3o) in the time between those two summers, I had to relearn how to walk, talk, write (my gosh, my handwriting was bad initially xD/Dx [though my mother would say it is still bad/has always been bad o3o]), feed myself, etc. (Sorry for the extended tangent there...)
ANYWAY.
I have come so. freaking. far. Hu-freaking-zah. P to the T to the L.
Yes, I still make errors. For example, when I got ready for bed, I had forgotten that I still had my nightclothes from last night in my closet for me to wear again. However, I am happy to report that I did not beat myself up over it - I simply switched my clothing around. My previous psychologist (Dr. G) said that I am much more sensitive to anything related to memory now.
Yes, I still have mobility issues. (According to my dad, I still walk like a stroke victim when I'm tired. :/) But hey, but hey, I was in the STROKE WARD for a while, wasn't I? (I have NO RECOLLECTION, but that's what my parents have said.)
Even in the span of a year - this time last year, I had a checklist next to my pill organizer so that I could see if I had taken my AM and PM meds. (Yes, that's the point of the organizer itself [THANK YOU CVS], but it was an extra checkpoint, I guess.) A year and a half ago, when I refilled my pill organizer, my mom had to check after me to make sure that I had not forgotten any.
(I know I had talked to Dr. G about the B in Fiction, and she said it was probably a good thing, because it happened BEFORE all the medical whatnots. At first, I was like "mk, maybe, yeah" but now, I'm like "OMG YES."
(Psst - spoiler alert - B's will not kill you [though they do begin both words in the phrase "brain bleed" xD.)
Dear God,
I am so sorry for not being willing to see how much you have blessed me. Please forgive me. Please empower/enable me to use this experience to help and/or inspire others.
Please give me peace and direction about the future. I know I read it somewhere, so I'm not taking credit for it, but still - I may not know what the future holds, but I do know Who holds the future.
(All the huzzahs to that. <3 p="">
In Your Name, Lord,
Amen
Tuesday, November 10, 2015
November 10
Hello once more.
Today, I went to a MASC meeting (Manga, Anime, Sci-fi, Comics [club]), because (alas) BCM couldn't meet tonight because of medical whatnots. :/
At MASC, we watched a bunch of YouTube videos re: video games (basically play-throughs). I thought to myself, wow, I can see how/why Mom didn't exactly love me playing video games when I was younger. (Honestly, it felt childish. o3o)
Eek, I feel old. :x No huzzahs.
At the same time, part of me... longed (?) to go back to that simpler time, and then my frontal cortex (or whatever part of the brain deals with adulting) was like, yeah, nope, you are past that my friend.
So... huzzas? (Huzzah+Alas?) I have no idea. xD
Today, I went to a MASC meeting (Manga, Anime, Sci-fi, Comics [club]), because (alas) BCM couldn't meet tonight because of medical whatnots. :/
At MASC, we watched a bunch of YouTube videos re: video games (basically play-throughs). I thought to myself, wow, I can see how/why Mom didn't exactly love me playing video games when I was younger. (Honestly, it felt childish. o3o)
Eek, I feel old. :x No huzzahs.
At the same time, part of me... longed (?) to go back to that simpler time, and then my frontal cortex (or whatever part of the brain deals with adulting) was like, yeah, nope, you are past that my friend.
So... huzzas? (Huzzah+Alas?) I have no idea. xD
Saturday, November 7, 2015
November 7
Hello again.
Today has been an up/down sort of day.
I went to Haus Heidelberg with Dad, Mom, and Jenni today (so up for that).
However, Dad did a whole bunch of complaining about the South (and basically the state of the world in general). So down for that. :(
In other news, I did my German senior seminar public presentation last Thursday (up).
I had some champagne tonight at the 1889 dance (up [?]).
However, I did not stay at the dance long (like only 20 minutes) because, frankly, it felt like a redux of high school prom (down), and I didn't know many of the people there (down).
(However, however, apparently "redux" is an adjective, not a noun as I thought, so I used it incorrectly in the prior sentence. Alas. :/)
I emailed Dr. D the other day about whatnots, but he/his email got auto-replied to with an out-of-office message.
...
Two years ago, I believe I was either in inpatient therapy or waiting on TriCare to approve outpatient therapy. Now, I am walking, talking, squawking, driving, and making A's and B's in college level courses.
...
BUT... what the hey will I be doing a year hence? What then?
...
About homosexuality - I want to love other people, not hate them/look down on them/JUDGE THEM. Honestly, I don't. But it's so hard what with my parents and THEIR beliefs. No huzzahs. (Also, no huzzahs for me kindofsortofreally blaming my parents for my problems. NOT EVEN A HUZZ.)
...
My memory has improved SO much. Andyetandyetandyet, I keep second guessing myself. :/
...
Dear God,
Thank You for this day. Thank You for all the blessings You have so graciously bestowed on me, when I don't deserve a single one. Thank You SOSOSOSOSO much.
Please help me. Please help me spend my time better, to spend it how You would want me to spend it.
Please give me the words to say when I talk to others. Please help me be a good president of BCM. Please help me be a good representative of YOU (which should have come first, shouldn't it?)
Thank You for sticking with me. Thank You sosososososososososossososossosossossossssoososossossooosssooooo much. Like, for reals.
In Your Name, Lord,
Amen. <3 p="">
Today has been an up/down sort of day.
I went to Haus Heidelberg with Dad, Mom, and Jenni today (so up for that).
However, Dad did a whole bunch of complaining about the South (and basically the state of the world in general). So down for that. :(
In other news, I did my German senior seminar public presentation last Thursday (up).
I had some champagne tonight at the 1889 dance (up [?]).
However, I did not stay at the dance long (like only 20 minutes) because, frankly, it felt like a redux of high school prom (down), and I didn't know many of the people there (down).
(However, however, apparently "redux" is an adjective, not a noun as I thought, so I used it incorrectly in the prior sentence. Alas. :/)
I emailed Dr. D the other day about whatnots, but he/his email got auto-replied to with an out-of-office message.
...
Two years ago, I believe I was either in inpatient therapy or waiting on TriCare to approve outpatient therapy. Now, I am walking, talking, squawking, driving, and making A's and B's in college level courses.
...
BUT... what the hey will I be doing a year hence? What then?
...
About homosexuality - I want to love other people, not hate them/look down on them/JUDGE THEM. Honestly, I don't. But it's so hard what with my parents and THEIR beliefs. No huzzahs. (Also, no huzzahs for me kindofsortofreally blaming my parents for my problems. NOT EVEN A HUZZ.)
...
My memory has improved SO much. Andyetandyetandyet, I keep second guessing myself. :/
...
Dear God,
Thank You for this day. Thank You for all the blessings You have so graciously bestowed on me, when I don't deserve a single one. Thank You SOSOSOSOSO much.
Please help me. Please help me spend my time better, to spend it how You would want me to spend it.
Please give me the words to say when I talk to others. Please help me be a good president of BCM. Please help me be a good representative of YOU (which should have come first, shouldn't it?)
Thank You for sticking with me. Thank You sosososososososososossososossosossossossssoososossossooosssooooo much. Like, for reals.
In Your Name, Lord,
Amen. <3 p="">
Friday, November 6, 2015
November 6
Hello imaginary readers once more. This post shall be a miscellany post, a potpourri post, if you will.
I went to dance and skit night tonight and was drafted into doing the skit with the seniors (of whose class I am technically a part because of the year of medical leave). The skit was something about who the next president of Converse would be, and the people running for Converse president were Donald Trump (A), Hilary Clinton, and Pantera (the pink panther mascot for even numbered years).
One, A had on a hilarious wig, so she was quite funny. Two, at the end of the skit, we (the audience [both on stage and off]) were supposed to cheer for whoever we wanted to be the next president of Converse next. No one cheered for Trump, there was a kind of sort of reaction to Hilary, and then thunderous applause for Pantera (which I knew was what the other seniors wanted).
[As a side note, I have noticed that attention still appears to be something I lack/am not great at as of right now. Like, in the above paragraph, I started off with "One" then moved on to "B." No huzzahs. :/]
{Also, I forgot to close my parentheses TWICE.}
Also, at skit night (which I believe is the first I have ever attended at Converse, due to medical whatnots through the years), each class also did a dance. (I did NOT partake in that one. Dx) A/Trump-minus-the-wig danced a mean worm. It made me sad. I thought to myself, -I- used to do be able to do the worm (yes, a SUPER long time ago, but still), -I- used to be an athlete (volleyball) [A runs cross country]. It was really hard for me not to be jealous, resentful, angry at God, etc. No huzzahs. :/
Also also, (as also aforementioned) my college has this whole Red Devils vs Pink Panthers thing, where the Red Devils are students from classes graduating during odd numbered years (like 2015 [my original graduation year]) and Pink Panthers are from odd-graduation-year classes. I KNOW I shouldn't care; I have much MUCH larger concerns right now. :x
In other news, I had another dose of Cytoxan today. In other, other news, it appears that I had a relapse from the stress of starting school again combined with stress from the possibility of Dad losing his job. In other, other, other news, I went to an ophthalmologist yesterday (wow, that is one INTENSE word; I had to consult a search engine about its spelling, HA), described my symptoms, what was going on/had been going on, and he said that he has doubts about the likelihood of my eyesight going back to what it was.
...
I am still dealing with that possibility. Honestly, I was kind of thinking something along the lines of that before he told me that, but it was definitely a major blow to consider my sight not improving beyond what it currently is. :C (An emoticon is unable to adequately convey the depth and intensity of my feelings, but it will have to do currently.)
Also, the ophthalmologist talked about a new disease https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Neuromyelitis_optica. I had seen him in the past, back when we thought I had MS. So, my mom and I will bring that up when I see my neurologist next (speaking of which, I need to reschedule that appointment, don't I? Alas/egads/gift horse ADULTING. Dx)
Mah. I don't want to be this tired at only ten PM, but I have had a long day (and long week). I got my grade back for my recitation, and I made a 50 out of 100. :x That was worth 10% of my final grade. :/ Also, I'm pretty sure I bombed today's quiz because of all of the dates. (So, yet again, NO. HUZZAHS.)
I seriously want/need to go to bed soon. So -I- am going to peace out for tonight. Tschüss!
I went to dance and skit night tonight and was drafted into doing the skit with the seniors (of whose class I am technically a part because of the year of medical leave). The skit was something about who the next president of Converse would be, and the people running for Converse president were Donald Trump (A), Hilary Clinton, and Pantera (the pink panther mascot for even numbered years).
One, A had on a hilarious wig, so she was quite funny. Two, at the end of the skit, we (the audience [both on stage and off]) were supposed to cheer for whoever we wanted to be the next president of Converse next. No one cheered for Trump, there was a kind of sort of reaction to Hilary, and then thunderous applause for Pantera (which I knew was what the other seniors wanted).
[As a side note, I have noticed that attention still appears to be something I lack/am not great at as of right now. Like, in the above paragraph, I started off with "One" then moved on to "B." No huzzahs. :/]
{Also, I forgot to close my parentheses TWICE.
Also, at skit night (which I believe is the first I have ever attended at Converse, due to medical whatnots through the years), each class also did a dance. (I did NOT partake in that one. Dx) A/Trump-minus-the-wig danced a mean worm. It made me sad. I thought to myself, -I- used to do be able to do the worm (yes, a SUPER long time ago, but still), -I- used to be an athlete (volleyball) [A runs cross country]. It was really hard for me not to be jealous, resentful, angry at God, etc. No huzzahs. :/
Also also, (as also aforementioned) my college has this whole Red Devils vs Pink Panthers thing, where the Red Devils are students from classes graduating during odd numbered years (like 2015 [my original graduation year]) and Pink Panthers are from odd-graduation-year classes. I KNOW I shouldn't care; I have much MUCH larger concerns right now. :x
In other news, I had another dose of Cytoxan today. In other, other news, it appears that I had a relapse from the stress of starting school again combined with stress from the possibility of Dad losing his job. In other, other, other news, I went to an ophthalmologist yesterday (wow, that is one INTENSE word; I had to consult a search engine about its spelling, HA), described my symptoms, what was going on/had been going on, and he said that he has doubts about the likelihood of my eyesight going back to what it was.
...
I am still dealing with that possibility. Honestly, I was kind of thinking something along the lines of that before he told me that, but it was definitely a major blow to consider my sight not improving beyond what it currently is. :C (An emoticon is unable to adequately convey the depth and intensity of my feelings, but it will have to do currently.)
Also, the ophthalmologist talked about a new disease https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Neuromyelitis_optica. I had seen him in the past, back when we thought I had MS. So, my mom and I will bring that up when I see my neurologist next (speaking of which, I need to reschedule that appointment, don't I? Alas/egads/gift horse ADULTING. Dx)
Mah. I don't want to be this tired at only ten PM, but I have had a long day (and long week). I got my grade back for my recitation, and I made a 50 out of 100. :x That was worth 10% of my final grade. :/ Also, I'm pretty sure I bombed today's quiz because of all of the dates. (So, yet again, NO. HUZZAHS.)
I seriously want/need to go to bed soon. So -I- am going to peace out for tonight. Tschüss!
Monday, November 2, 2015
Rant (2.0)
Hello once more.
(WARNING - I HAD AN ENORMOUS AMOUNT OF SUGAR IN MY DIET TODAY, AND THEREFORE, AM EVEN MORE EMOTIONAL THAN "NORMAL.")
I need to get a grip of myself. I need to trust in God more. I want to not be so needy, to not be so unsure of myself.
(I also want more people to donate to my fundraising page [http://www.firstgiving.com/fundraiser/jennifer-palmer-8/2015-run-for-thought], but ik that not everyone is able/wants to/etc, and I NEED to respect that. o3o)
I want my apartment mate to put up her clean dishes. It's been what, two/three days? D:
I want my apartment mates to get their acts together. Like, I want whoever it is who keeps leaving crumbs on the floor to clean up after herself.
I want my apartment mates to figure out how to properly use the stove/oven. Apparently, one of them set off the fire alarm today. Like, Z sent me a text re: ME in the kitchen, and how she and C would rather I not use the communal utensils or wash communal dishes/utensils because they don't like how -I- wash things. At least -I- haven't set off a fire alarm. (Then again, I wasn't there when it happened, so I'm not sure how/what exactly happened. When I talked about it at dinner, one of my table mates talked about how they [my apartment mates] needed to use the vent fan above the stove, which -I- already knew. And I don't know if that's actually what caused it, or if the stove/oven is messed up like C and Z think. D:)
-I- need to eat less and start going to the gym again. -I- need to finish my bleeping German Senior Sem presentation. -I- need to get off this grawlix prednisone. Egads, alas, no huzzahs, Dx.
...
I need to be more grateful for all the good things in my life.
...
Thank you, God, for sticking with me even when I have doubted You. Thank you, God, for giving me life. Thank you, God, for giving me the capacity to attain an advanced education, more than my parents. Thank you, God, for allowing me to live in America, because goodness knows I'd probably be dead if I lived in almost anywhere else in this world.
Please give me the words to say to Z, to C (maybe). If/when.
Please don't let me be judgmental toward them (or anyone, really).
Please be with M and her unborn child. Please. Please, Lord.
Please calm this raging child of yours (psst, anyone who's reading this - I'm writing about me o3o). Please grant her Your peace, even an INKLING of Your strength.
Please and thank you, Lord.
In Your Name, Amen. <3 p="">
(WARNING - I HAD AN ENORMOUS AMOUNT OF SUGAR IN MY DIET TODAY, AND THEREFORE, AM EVEN MORE EMOTIONAL THAN "NORMAL.")
I need to get a grip of myself. I need to trust in God more. I want to not be so needy, to not be so unsure of myself.
(I also want more people to donate to my fundraising page [http://www.firstgiving.com/fundraiser/jennifer-palmer-8/2015-run-for-thought], but ik that not everyone is able/wants to/etc, and I NEED to respect that. o3o)
I want my apartment mate to put up her clean dishes. It's been what, two/three days? D:
I want my apartment mates to get their acts together. Like, I want whoever it is who keeps leaving crumbs on the floor to clean up after herself.
I want my apartment mates to figure out how to properly use the stove/oven. Apparently, one of them set off the fire alarm today. Like, Z sent me a text re: ME in the kitchen, and how she and C would rather I not use the communal utensils or wash communal dishes/utensils because they don't like how -I- wash things. At least -I- haven't set off a fire alarm. (Then again, I wasn't there when it happened, so I'm not sure how/what exactly happened. When I talked about it at dinner, one of my table mates talked about how they [my apartment mates] needed to use the vent fan above the stove, which -I- already knew. And I don't know if that's actually what caused it, or if the stove/oven is messed up like C and Z think. D:)
-I- need to eat less and start going to the gym again. -I- need to finish my bleeping German Senior Sem presentation. -I- need to get off this grawlix prednisone. Egads, alas, no huzzahs, Dx.
...
I need to be more grateful for all the good things in my life.
...
Thank you, God, for sticking with me even when I have doubted You. Thank you, God, for giving me life. Thank you, God, for giving me the capacity to attain an advanced education, more than my parents. Thank you, God, for allowing me to live in America, because goodness knows I'd probably be dead if I lived in almost anywhere else in this world.
Please give me the words to say to Z, to C (maybe). If/when.
Please don't let me be judgmental toward them (or anyone, really).
Please be with M and her unborn child. Please. Please, Lord.
Please calm this raging child of yours (psst, anyone who's reading this - I'm writing about me o3o). Please grant her Your peace, even an INKLING of Your strength.
Please and thank you, Lord.
In Your Name, Amen. <3 p="">
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