January 15 - Too Close to Home (Literally)

I am currently in tears right now.

I don't want to be. I want to be happy. I want to be NOT depressed.

I am in the middle of writing my story for Advanced Tutorial Fiction, and the story line is hitting WAY too close to home. I knew that going into it, but I thought I could handle it. I'm not sure if I can anymore (at least now how it's currently going, character development wise.)

What I need to do, is scrap what I have, to develop the characters in different directions, to NOT make it so autobiographical.

What I need to do (2.0), is get a hold of myself. Honestly, suicide went through my mind once again, but NO, I WILL NOT COMMIT SUICIDE, DANG IT. GOD WOULD NOT WANT ME TO DO THAT.

(Honestly, I just had an image in my mind [if I did do it {WHICH I'M NOT}] of God seeing me, and saying, "Daughter, I am disappoint." Which made me think, lol and yet ALAS / NO HUZZAHS / GIFT HORSE / ETC. Dx)

I... am going to put away my laptop for now. I... am going to go to dinner in Gee. (Yay quesadillas? :/) But, YAY FOR FRIENDS.

Also, the Winter Ball is tonight. It's my last one. Honestly, I was leaning toward not going in the middle of my current CF (crying fit, for those who are not me), but now, I'm leaning towards yes. Because socializing, because getting our of this blasted room.

(Also, I received an email from the Fulbright committee saying they passed on my application. I'm sure my parents will be happy; I know they were concerned about me with my BI recovery whatnots and the refugee whatnots and stuff. I'm like, well dang, but at least I tried? Idk.)

Also, also, I did NOT take a Lorazepam due to my CF. I went back to my "Notes to Self" document, and discovered I have not had a Lor since early December 2015. I DON'T WANT TO BREAK THE STREAK. O3O

Also, also, also, I just texted my Dad saying I love him whole bunches. Yeah.

Imma go to Gee now (for serious, this time). Toodles.

Dear Lord,

Thank you for this day. Thank you that I was able to get through this past CF without a Lorazepam. (I mean, I'm happy they exist, but I'm also happy I didn't HAVE to take it.)

Please let me have a good time tonight with friends at the dance.

(Please let this blasted headache go away finally, egads Dx)

Please give me peace about the future, about post-grad. Please, Lord.

Please help me get through these two (TWO!) Jan term classes (FOR CREDIT). Please give me guidance to do what's best for me, regardless of what others think and/or say (like my parents, my therapist, etc.) Please.

(And thank you that I stopped crying. PTL for that.)

In Your Name, Lord,
Amen <3 p="">