November 10

Hello once more.

Today, I went to a MASC meeting (Manga, Anime, Sci-fi, Comics [club]), because (alas) BCM couldn't meet tonight because of medical whatnots. :/

At MASC, we watched a bunch of YouTube videos re: video games (basically play-throughs). I thought to myself, wow, I can see how/why Mom didn't exactly love me playing video games when I was younger. (Honestly, it felt childish. o3o)

Eek, I feel old. :x No huzzahs.

At the same time, part of me... longed (?) to go back to that simpler time, and then my frontal cortex (or whatever part of the brain deals with adulting) was like, yeah, nope, you are past that my friend.

So... huzzas? (Huzzah+Alas?) I have no idea. xD

November 7

Hello again.

Today has been an up/down sort of day.

I went to Haus Heidelberg with Dad, Mom, and Jenni today (so up for that).
However, Dad did a whole bunch of complaining about the South (and basically the state of the world in general). So down for that. :(

In other news, I did my German senior seminar public presentation last Thursday (up).

I had some champagne tonight at the 1889 dance (up [?]).
However, I did not stay at the dance long (like only 20 minutes) because, frankly, it felt like a redux of high school prom (down), and I didn't know many of the people there (down).
(However, however, apparently "redux" is an adjective, not a noun as I thought, so I used it incorrectly in the prior sentence. Alas. :/)

I emailed Dr. D the other day about whatnots, but he/his email got auto-replied to with an out-of-office message.

...

Two years ago, I believe I was either in inpatient therapy or waiting on TriCare to approve outpatient therapy. Now, I am walking, talking, squawking, driving, and making A's and B's in college level courses.

...

BUT... what the hey will I be doing a year hence? What then?

...

About homosexuality - I want to love other people, not hate them/look down on them/JUDGE THEM. Honestly, I don't. But it's so hard what with my parents and THEIR beliefs. No huzzahs. (Also, no huzzahs for me kindofsortofreally blaming my parents for my problems. NOT EVEN A HUZZ.)

...

My memory has improved SO much. Andyetandyetandyet, I keep second guessing myself. :/

...

Dear God,

Thank You for this day. Thank You for all the blessings You have so graciously bestowed on me, when I don't deserve a single one. Thank You SOSOSOSOSO much.


Please help me. Please help me spend my time better, to spend it how You would want me to spend it.

Please give me the words to say when I talk to others. Please help me be a good president of BCM. Please help me be a good representative of YOU (which should have come first, shouldn't it?)

Thank You for sticking with me. Thank You sosososososososososossososossosossossossssoososossossooosssooooo much. Like, for reals.

In Your Name, Lord,
Amen. <3 p="">

November 6

Hello imaginary readers once more. This post shall be a miscellany post, a potpourri post, if you will.

I went to dance and skit night tonight and was drafted into doing the skit with the seniors (of whose class I am technically a part because of the year of medical leave). The skit was something about who the next president of Converse would be, and the people running for Converse president were Donald Trump (A), Hilary Clinton, and Pantera (the pink panther mascot for even numbered years).

One, A had on a hilarious wig, so she was quite funny. Two, at the end of the skit, we (the audience [both on stage and off]) were supposed to cheer for whoever we wanted to be the next president of Converse next. No one cheered for Trump, there was a kind of sort of reaction to Hilary, and then thunderous applause for Pantera (which I knew was what the other seniors wanted).

[As a side note, I have noticed that attention still appears to be something I lack/am not great at as of right now. Like, in the above paragraph, I started off with "One" then moved on to "B." No huzzahs. :/]

{Also, I forgot to close my parentheses TWICE. }

Also, at skit night (which I believe is the first I have ever attended at Converse, due to medical whatnots through the years), each class also did a dance. (I did NOT partake in that one. Dx) A/Trump-minus-the-wig danced a mean worm. It made me sad. I thought to myself, -I- used to do be able to do the worm (yes, a SUPER long time ago, but still), -I- used to be an athlete (volleyball) [A runs cross country]. It was really hard for me not to be jealous, resentful, angry at God, etc. No huzzahs. :/

Also also, (as also aforementioned) my college has this whole Red Devils vs Pink Panthers thing, where the Red Devils are students from classes graduating during odd numbered years (like 2015 [my original graduation year]) and Pink Panthers are from odd-graduation-year classes. I KNOW I shouldn't care; I have much MUCH larger concerns right now. :x

In other news, I had another dose of Cytoxan today. In other, other news, it appears that I had a relapse from the stress of starting school again combined with stress from the possibility of Dad losing his job. In other, other, other news, I went to an ophthalmologist yesterday (wow, that is one INTENSE word; I had to consult a search engine about its spelling, HA), described my symptoms, what was going on/had been going on, and he said that he has doubts about the likelihood of my eyesight going back to what it was.

...

I am still dealing with that possibility. Honestly, I was kind of thinking something along the lines of that before he told me that, but it was definitely a major blow to consider my sight not improving beyond what it currently is. :C (An emoticon is unable to adequately convey the depth and intensity of my feelings, but it will have to do currently.)

Also, the ophthalmologist talked about a new disease https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Neuromyelitis_optica. I had seen him in the past, back when we thought I had MS. So, my mom and I will bring that up when I see my neurologist next (speaking of which, I need to reschedule that appointment, don't I? Alas/egads/gift horse ADULTING. Dx)

Mah. I don't want to be this tired at only ten PM, but I have had a long day (and long week). I got my grade back for my recitation, and I made a 50 out of 100. :x That was worth 10% of my final grade. :/ Also, I'm pretty sure I bombed today's quiz because of all of the dates. (So, yet again, NO. HUZZAHS.)

I seriously want/need to go to bed soon. So -I- am going to peace out for tonight. Tschüss!

Rant (2.0)

Hello once more.
(WARNING - I HAD AN ENORMOUS AMOUNT OF SUGAR IN MY DIET TODAY, AND THEREFORE, AM EVEN MORE EMOTIONAL THAN "NORMAL.")
I need to get a grip of myself. I need to trust in God more. I want to not be so needy, to not be so unsure of myself.
(I also want more people to donate to my fundraising page [http://www.firstgiving.com/fundraiser/jennifer-palmer-8/2015-run-for-thought], but ik that not everyone is able/wants to/etc, and I NEED to respect that. o3o)
I want my apartment mate to put up her clean dishes. It's been what, two/three days? D:
I want my apartment mates to get their acts together. Like, I want whoever it is who keeps leaving crumbs on the floor to clean up after herself.
I want my apartment mates to figure out how to properly use the stove/oven. Apparently, one of them set off the fire alarm today. Like, Z sent me a text re: ME in the kitchen, and how she and C would rather I not use the communal utensils or wash communal dishes/utensils because they don't like how -I- wash things. At least -I- haven't set off a fire alarm. (Then again, I wasn't there when it happened, so I'm not sure how/what exactly happened. When I talked about it at dinner, one of my table mates talked about how they [my apartment mates] needed to use the vent fan above the stove, which -I- already knew. And I don't know if that's actually what caused it, or if the stove/oven is messed up like C and Z think. D:)
-I- need to eat less and start going to the gym again. -I- need to finish my bleeping German Senior Sem presentation. -I- need to get off this grawlix prednisone. Egads, alas, no huzzahs, Dx.
...
I need to be more grateful for all the good things in my life.
...
Thank you, God, for sticking with me even when I have doubted You. Thank you, God, for giving me life. Thank you, God, for giving me the capacity to attain an advanced education, more than my parents. Thank you, God, for allowing me to live in America, because goodness knows I'd probably be dead if I lived in almost anywhere else in this world.

Please give me the words to say to Z, to C (maybe). If/when.
Please don't let me be judgmental toward them (or anyone, really).

Please be with M and her unborn child. Please. Please, Lord.

Please calm this raging child of yours (psst, anyone who's reading this - I'm writing about me o3o). Please grant her Your peace, even an INKLING of Your strength.

Please and thank you, Lord.

In Your Name, Amen. <3 p="">

RANT

BLOG POST - 10/23/15

(Whatnot prevented me from posting it on this date, however. Idk if I’ll ever post it. o3o [EDIT - I am biting the bullet and posting it, three days later. o3o])

Hello again.

As the title says, this will be a rant. So read or don't read (not that I think I have any readers, HA) at your discretion.

For starters, I am having issues with my friends. One of them said something earlier today while we were at Walmart, about a woman parking in handicapped parking - "She doesn't look like she needs it."

I talked to her about it afterward, about how there exist "invisible disabilities" and whatnot. I'm not sure if she truly understood. She said something about how she didn't know if the woman should be driving if she had a handicap, or something.

I personally have a handicap placard. It expires in 2017, and I have no intention of trying to get it renewed as of right now. (I sure hope I will no longer need it at that point [heck, I barely need it now]). HOWEVER, I DEFINITELY needed it when I first got it. (Alsoalsoalso, I use it in the senior apartment parking because [my logic, at least, says that] most college age students don't need handicap parking, and if I park there, that opens up another spot to someone else who DOESN'T have a placard and would appreciate a spot. There are two handicapped spots in the senior apartment parking lot, and usually the other spot is open, so yeah. BUT, H kind of made me feel bad about it. ALAS/NO HUZZAHS/ETC :x )

What REALLY bugs me about this is that I really like this girl/woman. She is (normally) a ray of sunshine in a dark world. Also, she is a Christian, and I don't believe that was very Christian of her. (Ik, ik, just because someone is Christian doesn't mean they will act Christ-like. GOODNESS KNOWS I know that and [unfortunately] show it in my own life far too often [see the post I am writing Dx]).

Second, I am having difficulties with one of my apartment mates. My mom always told me to stay in the room while something was on the stove. Earlier today, Z left the apartment (not just the room - the apartment) with something on the stove. I thought to myself, EEK/Egads/Etc and (I believe) I kind of stood nearby or something until she came back. Once she came back, I told her my thoughts on the subject, about how I would much prefer she stay with stuff while it's on the stove. She said something along the lines of, that's how I do it at home. I thought to myself, yes, but we don't want to burn the apartment down/set off the fire alarm/whatnot now. Dx I didn't say that, but I thought it.

I called my parents after all of this happened. My dad told me that he doesn't want me going to Germany during January because of the refugee/migrant whatnot going on. Apparently, an electrician from his work who worked on our house also, his son's girlfriend is from Germany and is coming to America to get out of the whatnot going on there. He talked about women being raped and other stuff like that. I asked what would happen if I got offered a Fulbright. He said that (it breaks his heart), but he would say no to it as of right now.

I'm like, I can't defer it for a year or anything. I believe it's either now or never (or reapply next year, one year post-college [MEEP]).

((WHAT THE HECK AM I GOING TO DO POST-GRAD?))

So I talked to him first. He is going to Tucson on Sunday or Monday for one or two weeks. I asked him if he was excited, and he responded in the affirmative, to finally "get back to civilization."

I'm sad to hear that Dad and Mom are so unhappy here. :c I feel like I'm holding them back because of school/health/whatnot. :C

(Ik that there are a whole slew of other things, like finances, jobs, etc, but still. No huzzahs.)

I talked to Mom afterward, and told her about Z (not H, just Z). She agreed with me. Idk if Z heard me or not, because she was in the kitchen while I was talking on the landline in my room with the door closed. I also told Mom about what Dad told me about the Jan term trip (which I can understand) then the Fulbright. I told Mom (in confidence) that if I receive a Fulbright offer, I may accept it regardless of his opinion, because IT'S MY LIFE, DANG IT. I CAN'T KEEP LIVING IN FEAR, DANG IT.

(Heck, this might not even come up - I won't know about if I receive the Fulbright until January or later, I think.)

STILL, NO HUZZAHS.

In other news, I'm kind of hesitant to post this. (Once again, not that I have any readers, but still.) I don't feel like I'm being a good Christian. But this is better than keeping it bottled up, right? It's anonymous, right (or anonymous enough)? It will help me get through my feelings, right?

Yes, I'm still having memory issues. Yes, I have come SO INCREDIBLY FAR, and yet, and yet, and yet, and yet.

So, it looks like I'm going to do a remote DIS with Mirko, Lidiya/Lydia (sp?), and the third person during Jan term. I'm going to double-check with the registrar to see how many credit hours one can take during Jan term without it being an overload, with the potentiality of taking Advanced Fiction Tutorial as well. If that would be too many hours, I will audit Advanced Fiction Tutorial instead.

(EDIT [Oct 26 - I feel left out because they [Z & H] went out with K and R for R's birthday and didn't invite me. I know they have no obligation to do that and stuff, but still. :c I need to find some more friends and/or strengthen current relationships. :c[x2])

/end rant (for now at least)

Dear Jesus,

Please help me. You know exactly what's going to happen in my life. Please give me trust, patience, all that jazz as I go through this time. Please grant me patience with my friends. Please help me find some sort of meaning through all of this.

I don't know what Your plan is, but I know it's good, yeah.

("Write Your Story," Francesca Battistelli)

In Your name, Lord,

Amen

Heck, I just read through the lyrics of that song, and I feel like it's talking to me so much right now. (Honestly, idk if I'll ever BUY it, because [honestly 2.0] I'm not a huge fan of the music itself [o3o], but I LOVE its message.)

And on that (more positive) note, I will bid you all (invisible readers) Auf Wiedersehen, Au Revoir, Tschüss, gift horse, for now.

/fin

The Yellow Wallpaper

I went to see my college's performance of "The Yellow Wallpaper" tonight, and it struck a chord with me. It made me think back to my own time in inpatient and outpatient therapy.

(Yes, I realize that the Rehab Hospital and Center were NOWHERE NEAR as bad as what Charlotte went through in the play [and in real life], but I could connect with some of her struggles.)

Like, not even close. o3o

But yes, I have come SO FAR. SO FAR. So super duper duper duper duper huzzahs for that. <3>

EDIT (NOT-

BLARGHALASEGADSGIFTHORSEETC I FORGOT (FOR NOW)

No huzzahs. I'll probably wake up sometime in the middle of the night and remember. Heck, I think if I just tried hard I could focus and recall it now, butbutbut, laziness.

Good night.

October (!)

Okay, so several things occurred to me as I wrote the title (and am writing text) for this blog post.

One - I have fallen into the habit/quirk of setting aside exclamation points within ellipses (idk, to accentuate them, I guess.)

Two - Egads, my fall term of senior year of college is almost half-way done. Dx
(Tomorrow starts my first day of midterm exams, though I have already done and turned in my German lit one. [Because I'm an overachiever {and it was simple o3o}.])

Three - I actually spent some time considering where to put the final period in the previous sentence. xD

Yeah.

In other news, I am waiting on information from a trust fund for early disbursement of funds so that I could go to Berlin (!/[egads I did it again]) during the January of 2016.

Speaking of egads, I have (numerous) tics (perseverations) now. Yes, they make me unique, and yet no, I do not wish to have them. o3o

Speaking of Berlin, I finally (exclamation point) got my passport done again. It was a long, drawn-out process. I had one before, but it was expired. So I got the form to renew it; it couldn't be renewed because I was a minor when I first got it; I had to (err - my dad had to) locate my birth certificate because it was one of the required documents for a passport. And then, and then, once I came in, forms filled out, documentation in hand (birth certificate and ID), passport pictures done, I turn it all over, then say, oh right, I have my old passport too. Would you like it? And what does the woman say?

If you have your old passport, you don't need to bring in your birth certificate.

><

/rant (for now, at least)

In other, other news, I am quite tired. Idk if I'll come back. As of right now, this blog is kind of serving as an online diary of sorts. Truth be told, I'm not sure how I feel about that. o3o

Anywho, auf wiedersehen, Tschüss, all that jazz. :)

/fin