December 28 - Generosity (or...?) :/ (MONEY WOES PART ONE)

Hello again.

So I went out today in search of boots and/or bras and/or whatnots. I went to three stores specifically about that (Target, Burlington Coat Factory [?], and a Western shoe/clothing place [Lebo's?]). I was also going to go to Kohl's and Bed, Bath, & Beyond originally (full schedule, ik).

(I [believe/know] I mentioned this before, but am too lazy to actually check, but for the whole "complete truth even though it's not needed" whatnot, I also popped into Dollar Tree and Ollie's. [And yes, that took a long time to type, alas. Dx])

HOWEVER, the thing I wanted to talk about in particular was how, after exiting the Western place, I went to leave the parking lot. I saw a woman on the corner with a sign. Long story short, I pulled over, hugged her, prayed with her, gave her $20 dollars to help her pay this week's stay at a motel in inner S'burg, and listened to her talk for a bit (I was going to say we talked, but [honestly] she did most of the talking).

If what she said was true, she's had a heckuva hard life. (I was going to use stronger language, but NOPE because reasons. o3o). Like, she was (honestly) rather grungy. She told me about how she has (or had, I don't remember which) polio. Also, her stepfather molested her when she was younger. (Mind you, she appeared to be late 40's / early 50's now.)

The poor/impoverished/homeless pull at my heartstrings, and I want to help them. I know way back when, I read this book Under the Overpass, and I think/know that's why I almost always have these strong reactions when I see people in physical need.

I also know that there are stories out there of people who *insert negative whatnot here*. But there are people who are in legitimate need too. :c

ALSO, today we (my parents and I) went to the Social Security Administration office about me getting on Social Security. (Note: We do NOT want me on Social Security, because then Tricare wouldn't be obligated to continue covering me [or something], so yeah. Yeah.) But, in order to get the Tricare whatnot renewed, I need to be denied Social Security (along with other things, such as doctor's note, etc.)

I titled this MONEY WOES PART ONE, because a) I am most likely going to be posting about this again in the future (spoiler alert!), and b) I am not good at managing money. Like, at all. I now have a job (work study, so eight hours/week when school is in session); I keep track of what I spend money on and whatnot.

I can spend money. I have that technology. If/when I do, though, I want to do so wisely. So, for example, I don't want to eat out every day, or something. :/ (Yes, I would LOVE to be able to splurge like that, but nope. >:C)

I am SO STINGY normally, and then I, then I see this woman, and am like, hey take my money.

Also, the other day, my dad and I were at Food Lion and this black man approached Dad saying something along the lines of Hey neighbor! He proceeded to pull Dad off to the side and (apparently) got $40 dollars from him (which, if you know my dad, does NOT happen for no reason). Once we got back to the car, Dad kind of blew up in anger at himself. He told me that this "neighbor" said he needed $40 to pay for fixing his truck, would he be willing to spot him some, he'd pay him back. I thought I recognized the black man from somewhere (though [anti-PC alert] I am not adept at differentiating between black males [but that's a different blog post Dx]). Dad thought he was a neighbor at first, because a black family moved in down the street.

But yeah, so Dad was super ticked/pissed-off that he got swindled our of $40. No huzzahs. :/

Alsoalsoalso, I was going to go Bed, Bath, and Beyond, but realized that I kind of sort of REALLY needed to go to the bathroom. Therefore, I did not go to Bed, Bath, and Beyond, but went home instead. (I don't want to be tied to my bladder like this, dang it.)

Today has been a "meh" sort of day (borderline super "meh" o3o). So... SUPER meh.

Dear Lord,

Please be with Mary Therese (?) "Shakes," the woman I interacted with earlier today. Please give her the means to climb out of this pit that she is in. Please give me guidance as well about what to do re: driving her to church. o3o(!)

Please give me peace about the future, peace and guidance.

Please let Dad's procedure (grotti [sp?] procedure) go well tomorrow. Please let nothing show up, or if something does show up, please let it be minor, like what happened with me and Mom. (I'm still annoyed that I got a colonoscopy before either of my parents, egads Dx [then again, I've had a bunch of medical whatnots before my parents, like chemotherapy, a stroke, a seizure, etc o3o /selfpity]).

Please, Lord, grant me Your peace. Grant Your peace to my parents as well. Please let Dad come back to You, even if it takes them moving out of SC once I graduate next year.

Please give them the means to move out of this area, somehow. (Same for me too, please. o3o)

BUT ABOVE ALL, please let us all rest in You, no matter what. Absolutely no matter what.

In Your Name, Lord,
Amen <3 p="">

December 26 - Words

Mk, so this post is going to be a mish-mash of sorts.

1) A friend reposted this link to her Facebook page - https://www.facebook.com/63275426166/photos/a.197982061166.139751.63275426166/10153193263121167/?type=3&theater

I liked it before I read her commentary saying that 1) those aren't oceans and 2) they are mixing.

Another mutual friend (who I happened to suite with last year) commented on the friend's post, saying something about her being an f***-ing godless heathen. (Said person, I believe, does not have a relationship with Christ. :/ )

Mk, so ONE - I don't want to have these thoughts about these people. They are loved by God. THEREFORE, I should strive to show them love as well.

TWO - one of them is my adopted little's roommate, one of them is (as aforementioned) a previous suitemate (THAT didn't work out, egads Dx), and another person who commented blocked me on Facebook after I sent her a friend request.
-About the last one, I took Advanced Composition with her last Spring, and she read my paper about my medical whatnots. Also, we used to sit at the same table in the cafeteria. I sometimes eat there now, when A, B, or C (lol xD) are there, and if/when I sit down she gives me this sort of... poisonous-looking smile. :/ Blah / No huzzahs / etc.-
My adopted little's roommate is a Bio major, so she rejected the image for the utter disregard for scientific reasoning in the caption. (Which, I now recognize, is true [her reaction to the caption].) One of the other...

You know what? I am going to (attempt) to pull an Elsa and LET IT GO.

Dear Lord,

Please be with C, S, and B. B is a Mormon. I know that and you know that. I don't know if Mormonism is in line with what You accept (?).

Please be with A. Please help her stay strong, make Christian friends, etc.

Please help me. Please help me to see others as You see them. Please enable [baleen] to love them in the same way (or as close as I can as a human, that is o3o) as You do.

ALSO, PLEASE grant me peace about the future. Dear Lord, grant me peace, guidance, all of the above. Please oh please.

In Your name, Lord,
Amen <3 p="">

December 25 - Christmas (!/?)

So it is finally Christmas. What have I done so far today?

I woke up at (what I believe was) a reasonable hour - before 9 AM. (It is my vacation time; cut me some slack, k?)

We (we being me and my family) actually sat around the table and ate breakfast together-ish.

(Side note/tangent - I feel as if I should be as thorough as possible in my descriptions because I want to be faithful to what actually happened, so in the previous statement, I wanted to add that technically, I got to the table first, then Mom came in after walking the dogs, then Dad joined us, but that's not super important, is it? And yet and yet and yet, because of all the whatnot that has gone down, I feel it IS important to be as truthful as possible. Blah. :x)

Then, we went over to the Christmas tree and opened presents.

I appreciate all of the items I received (truly, I do, PROMISE) but I did not need any of them. So part of me is like, don't waste your money, I guess? Blah :x (2.0). (I sound like Dad.)

I don't want to be like this. Truly, I don't.

Last night, Mom and I went to our church's candlelight Christmas Eve service. I drove, though my eyesight still is not what it used to be in my right eye. :c But I/we survived, no one died.

I invited F and M to the service. F texted back that she would text me the day of re: if she is going or not; she didn't. M texted that she would be in Rock Hill, so that was a no go.

Back to today, I queried another agent about Burst. As I was doing so, however, I actually read through the first however many pages, and was like, wow, this is not as good as I thought. Maybe that's why no one is picking it up. :/

And yet and yet and yet, I have put SO much time into this novel, into this plot line, into this story. I don't want to just, give up on it, or something. And honestly, self-publishing kind of feels like giving up on it at this point. :c

(Also, originally I was going to write about that earlier in this post, but I kept forgetting. No huzzahs. :c Alas-es all around.)

((Also also, the characters are ALWAYS around me. Meine Passworten sind alle Charakteren meines Romans. [Aber my attempt at subterfuge is kind of irrelevant because there are so many words that are similar in German and English. {There's a word for that, but I can't think of it right now, and I don't feel like looking it up because laziness. Dx.}]))

Also also also, it is currently 2:30 and dinner is not until 5:30 because turkey. I just got off the phone with Uncle R and he said I could always have cookies or something. Ach. However, I am going to cut off this entry in any case.

Dear Lord,

Thank You SO much for sending Your Son to Earth for us. P to the T to the L for that.

Please bless the rest of today. Please bless the rest of this year. Please please bless 2016. Please grant me Your peace (which transcends ALL understanding usw) about the future. Because -I- may not know the future, but I do know the One who knows the future. Please give me the strength to keep holding on to that.

In Your Name, Lord,
Amen <3 p="">

December 22 - Questioning

(Wow, three posts in one day, oh invisible reader?)

I am in the process of watching "Chopped Junior" -

UPDATE: One of the judges said something along the lines of "[Name], she's cooking, she's [blank]ing," so I guess [Name] is female.

I was going to talk/write about how I was unsure about the sex of one of the contestants. They use a name that isn't gender-specific, and I couldn't tell from their appearance for sure which sex they are. Like, (apparently, she) has long-ish hair, but her chest is rather flat and her voice is lower. HOWEVER, 1) guys can (and do) have long-ish hair sometimes, and 2) idk how old this female is. :/

But, what REALLY bothered me is that this even crossed my mind (let alone that this thought did not keep crossing). I let it sit in my mind for a fair amount of time.

No huzzahs. >:C

I feel/know that sexual orientations / identities / whatnots are NOT my forte. Like, I have a friend from high school who is a female, and she came out to me as pansexual (with a girlfriend).

Alsoalsoalso, my adopted little, A, identifies as asexual and she is living with another pansexual, B, in the dorms.

...

I truly do NOT want to have these thoughts flitting through my mind. Honestly. (I am happy to report that I didn't actually SAY anything re: this to my mom, sitting to my left. So kind of huzzahs for that. [I guess you could say huzz-es for that. xD])

Dear Lord,

Please help me with this issue. Please.

Thank you that nothing happened. Thank you that I stopped before I could say anything to Mom.

Please let me / enable me / whatnot me to love like You do, regardless of other whatnots.

(Thank You for knowing exactly what I mean by "whatnots," even if I don't know exactly what I mean.)

In Your name, Lord,
Amen <3 p="">

December 22 - User Error Pt. 2

UPDATE - My mother just called our insurance, and the woman on the other end said that my dependency status is still in effect until MY birthdate, the 29th. So huzzahs for that.

(I mean, no huzzahs for the error on the part of the person who filled out the info for my physical card, but huzzahs for the correct date being in the actual database.)

Thank You LORD! (So much <3 p="">
(I'm sorry that I keep worrying, even though You instruct us not to worry. Thank You again.)

December 22 - User Error

So, it's three days before Christmas.

Dad has been really worried about insurance whatnots, considering that I am going to be turning 23 next year (GULP!). As such, if we don't get a letter from my neurologist asking for an extension on the insurance, our premiums are going to go up (for me, at least).

We went through this last year too. And, it turns out, the person who filled out the info for my new beneficiary card put Dad's birth date (day of the month) instead of mine. Hence, according to my card, I will no longer be receiving benefits after January 8th instead of January 29th.

It is super peeving (and stressful, etc, to say/write the least) that there is a possibility that we will be paying for someone else's mistake. (NO HUZZAHS. D:<)

...

Part of me is thinking, isn't that what Jesus did, though? He took the sins of the world on His shoulders, bearing the wrath of God, just so He could save our sorry little behinds.

...

Dear Lord,

Thank You for Your sacrifice. Thank You SO, SO much. I'm sorry I don't thank You more often. Seriously.

Please let Dr. K get the letter done. Please let the insurance approve of the extension once more.

Please grant this family peace no matter what the heck happens. You've got this; we just need to keep trusting in You.

In Your Name, Lord,
Amen <3 p="">

December 20 - In Retrospect

I went to a birthday party the other day for a friend. At said party, another attendee brought up the possibility of exchanging our favorite books as Christmas presents. I thought to myself, I don't want to give up Inkheart and I don't really want to buy a new copy. (I also thought to myself, I don't really know this person that well, so idk if I even want to do a book swap with her. o3o)

However, I came home, went through my bookshelf, and found a book that I do like, but I would not mind giving up - Sleeping freshmen never lie, by David Lubar.

It's a book about a boy going into his freshman year of high school. I got it a long time ago, back when I was obsessed about high school. (This was after I was obsessed about middle school, haha.)

The book was published in 2005, a decade ago. (Wow.) You can tell. It's not super obvious, but there are some points.

For example, the speaker is addressing his unborn sibling, and he writes this - "You're gonna pay. Somehow. Maybe I can rent you out to a lab or something. Or auction off your stem cells" (165).

What with the whole StemExpress and abortion whatnots this past year and/or summer, I kind of blanched when I read that line. I don't believe the author is advocating for abortion though.

How can we even begin to understand or anticipate the future? Egads/no huzzahs/etc. (Absolutely NO gift horses. :C)

(Also, I considered giving her not a fan by Kyle Idleman, but I consulted Suzanne about that, and she suggested cultivating a deeper relationship with this person before doing something like that [religious/Christian]. Hence, sleeping freshmen.)

December 9 - Miscellany

Let's see, today's news...

1) I am finished! (With fall semester of senior year of college, that is.)

So, inherent within that, I completed my final final exam today, for Brit Lit.

Huh to the zah. I wrote on my evaluation last year that no, I had no intentions of taking any more classes with Dr. B. And yet, and yet, and yet, there I was one year later, in Brit Lit I with her. (Originally, I had signed up for American Lit I and Personal Finance, but then I thought to myself, waitwaitwait, I should probably/REALLY do things I HAVE to get done, so I switched into Intro to Arts Management and Brit Lit I [Intro to Arts Management conflicting with American Lit I, you see].)

But yeah, but yeah, but yeah, I have an accommodation for extended time on tests, so I had four and a half hours for my final exam. I appreciate that I have that, but I kind of felt like I was... obligated to use up all of my time, so I wrote kind of/really/A LOT for the in-class essay. Fingers crossed about that. :)

(I also wrote on my evaluation that I thought I would get a B overall in the class. At the midterm, I had an A-, but I believe that was before my [failed] recitation [50/100] o3o. [Though, according to B, the psychologist, that will only be 5 points off my final grade, which makes sense because the score is worth 10% of the final grade.])

2) I (finally) realize what Mom meant about her distaste about my constant BM talk. :#

I texted H about if she wanted to go out for dinner after I wrapped up with Brit Lit. She replied with a near immediate YES (apparently she had to turn her power off), so we met up at Panera Bread.

I bought a noodle bowl, and stuff, and H said something about how I would feel really good tomorrow because of all the ruff-age. I thought to myself (and said) tmi. :/ (I said it in a joking way, and yet, I still felt it too. o3o)

(By the way, I would not recommend the Soba noodle bowl. Idk about the edamame bowl, but the soba one was kind of nasty/less than desirable imo. o3o)

I don't know if she has (m)any friends. Like, when I told Z and others about her, Z asked if she was that one. I was like... she's unique, I guess? Blargh. :/

3) I was about to write about how I was bummed because my friends were exchanging Christmas gifts but I didn't get any (though I'm not as much a part of that group of friends so yeah), but then but but then I gave Z her gift (a bag of Snickers) and she came back with a gift for me (my name in magnet letters). So huzzahs for that. c:

4) Speaking of huzzahs, two years ago today, I posted on Facebook that I would be on campus during Jan term, and I would be having lunch in Gee on January something-th. I was still going to outpatient therapy.

PTL for progress. :)

Dear Lord,

Thank you for this day. Thank you for all the blessings I have received.

Thank you that this semester is over.

Please give me peace about the future. (Please.)

Please bless this Christmas season. Please let my family get along. (Please.)

In Your Name, Lord,
Amen <3 p="">

December 8 - Finals, Depression, and the GYM

Hello once more.

I hit the gym for the first time in WAY too long, and I think/know that exercise helps alleviate depression. Yes, it was only for half an hour, but STILL.

I have my last final tomorrow. It is the one I am the most worried about but honestly... I am not feeling like blogging tonight. Es tut mir leid.

(HOWEVER, I do have to blog daily as one of my New Year's resolutions. Idk if that will actually happen, but at least it's there.)

Good night. <3 p="">